Presidential Hair How-To: Because Leadership Starts at the Scalp
Let us discuss hair. Not taxes, not foreign policy, not who can shout the other down in a debate. Hair. Why? Because apparently, the secret to running the free world is sitting right on top of your head. Forget charisma; forget speeches. If you can’t manage your follicles, how can you manage an entire country? This guide breaks down the presidential candidates’ iconic hairdos so thoroughly that the instructions might as well be for NASA’s next rocket. So let’s dive in, strand by strand.
Hillary Clinton’s Layered Bob
Hillary’s hairstyle is the political equivalent of mom hair. It is an unfussy chin-length bob that elicits no unnecessary drama. Indeed, it is hairstyling on hard mode: lady, be in charge without looking like you might have ordered someone to load the dishwasher twice.
Step 1: Prepare damp hair with mousse the size of a grape. That’s right, the size of a grape. Not a cherry tomato, not a kumquat. A grape. Who knew that democracy would require such precision in mousse measurement?
Step 2: Blow-dry with a round brush and angle it toward the face. This creates a soft frame that looks powerful without sending the message that it’s trying too hard. It might even look friendly.
Step 3: Finish with hairspray; you don’t want your face frame falling apart. If it does, will anybody take you seriously as a candidate?
PRICE: $125 per day for an in-house blowout. A small price for presidential poise.
Donald Trump’s Extreme Combover
Trump’s hair? What is it? If our president’s team ever needs a publicist, they could snag all sorts of jobs with the shade of that hair. This is not just the president’s having poor coverage; this is poor coverage in a cover letter for the gig that was the last election.
Step 1: Apply the texturizing powder to fluff the front. Translation: Make your hair act as if it’s in the ’80s, when it had more volume than a Van Halen concert.
Step 2: Blow-dry like your presidency depends on it. Aim the air across your scalp, and watch your hair defy gravity, logic, and good taste.
Step 3: Cement this look with a firm-hold hairspray because if you can’t have a hair that stays in place, how are you going to have the world take you seriously enough to actually snatch up the electoral college?
PRICE: $400 for an on-demand stylist. Worth every penny if you’re trying to win the electoral college with your follicles alone.
Jill Stein’s Grown-Out Pixie
Jill has an eco-friendly, ultra-simple hairstyle that looks just edgy enough to signal she might have led a protest or two. And I mean that as a compliment. For a human whose primary concern, at least in a professional capacity, is the fate of the planet, it’s entirely understandable to have a hairstyle to match. To some extent, we all have hairstyles that signal something about our priorities.
Step 1: Shampoo your hair using an organic product. If it isn’t fair trade and cruelty-free, did you even attempt to go organic?
Stage 2: Apply a delicate spray of volumizing hair mist; because the only thing resembling flat hair is the turnout of voters in midterms.
Step 3: Part the hair slightly off-center, because balance is for centrists. Then tease the hair into place for that perfect “I woke up like this but am also ready for NPR” look.
PRICE: $9.99 for the spray and $15.99 for the wide-tooth comb. The revolution doesn’t require a lot of money, just a lot of brushing.
Gary Johnson’s Classic Business Cut
The haircut that Gary Johnson has is like eating plain toast for breakfast. It is practical, efficient, and entirely unremarkable. This is the kind of guy who always shows up to your office 15 minutes early but never remembers to acknowledge anyone’s birthday.
Step 1: Trim the sides and back to a very no-nonsense length. Think middle management, but presidential.
Step 2: Use a hairdryer to blast dry the item, as even simplicity requires a little hot air to help it along.
Step 3: Rub a pea-sized amount of styling wax between your fingers. Not a lima bean. Not a garbanzo bean. A pea. Apparently, precision extends to legumes.
PRICE: $9.99 for a trim and $7.99 for hair-grooming wax. The least expensive of the haircuts on this list, but at least it has the common decency to come in below ten bucks.
To sum up, the hairdos of these candidates tell us what, exactly? That the road to the White House is paved with what styling agents, specifically? And with what else, since we know that looks are half the battle? In regard to these presidential candidates, looks are, inarguably, a huge part of the equation. So it goes without saying: If you’ve got the styling power down (and all the other power poses), you’re headed toward something that resembles presidential.
Presidential Hair How-To: Because Leadership Starts at the Scalp
Let us discuss hair. Not taxes, not foreign policy, not who can shout the other down in a debate. Hair. Why? Because apparently, the secret to running the free world is sitting right on top of your head. Forget charisma; forget speeches. If you can’t manage your follicles, how can you manage an entire country? This guide breaks down the presidential candidates’ iconic hairdos so thoroughly that the instructions might as well be for NASA’s next rocket. So let’s dive in, strand by strand.
Hillary Clinton’s Layered Bob
Hillary’s hairstyle is the political equivalent of mom hair. It is an unfussy chin-length bob that elicits no unnecessary drama. Indeed, it is hairstyling on hard mode: lady, be in charge without looking like you might have ordered someone to load the dishwasher twice.
PRICE: $125 per day for an in-house blowout. A small price for presidential poise.
Donald Trump’s Extreme Combover
Trump’s hair? What is it? If our president’s team ever needs a publicist, they could snag all sorts of jobs with the shade of that hair. This is not just the president’s having poor coverage; this is poor coverage in a cover letter for the gig that was the last election.
PRICE: $400 for an on-demand stylist. Worth every penny if you’re trying to win the electoral college with your follicles alone.
Jill Stein’s Grown-Out Pixie
Jill has an eco-friendly, ultra-simple hairstyle that looks just edgy enough to signal she might have led a protest or two. And I mean that as a compliment. For a human whose primary concern, at least in a professional capacity, is the fate of the planet, it’s entirely understandable to have a hairstyle to match. To some extent, we all have hairstyles that signal something about our priorities.
PRICE: $9.99 for the spray and $15.99 for the wide-tooth comb. The revolution doesn’t require a lot of money, just a lot of brushing.
Gary Johnson’s Classic Business Cut
The haircut that Gary Johnson has is like eating plain toast for breakfast. It is practical, efficient, and entirely unremarkable. This is the kind of guy who always shows up to your office 15 minutes early but never remembers to acknowledge anyone’s birthday.
PRICE: $9.99 for a trim and $7.99 for hair-grooming wax. The least expensive of the haircuts on this list, but at least it has the common decency to come in below ten bucks.
To sum up, the hairdos of these candidates tell us what, exactly? That the road to the White House is paved with what styling agents, specifically? And with what else, since we know that looks are half the battle? In regard to these presidential candidates, looks are, inarguably, a huge part of the equation. So it goes without saying: If you’ve got the styling power down (and all the other power poses), you’re headed toward something that resembles presidential.